Basic Chemistry
Part Four: Brain Chemistry
I had planned on this being a story that was similar in length to most of the Gethsemane stories (Closing Time notwithstanding as it chronicles all three Bob-White girls experiences in one story). Then it grew into something else when I did NaNo. The five related stories I had planned to write during NaNo never materializedthis story became my whole NaNo. So, then I planned to divide it into three parts, and each one would be a Jixemitri Special Anniversary CWP (the required elements and non-required carryovers retroactively added). Umm, yeah, its too long for that plan. So, now that the monster is now being divided into lots of parts, more CWPs must be involved. So, this has now become a Jixemitri CWP #2.8 Fallin for Niagara CWP submission. Once again, many, many thanks to Susan! And happy birthday, sweetie! :)
To think is to practice brain chemistry.
Deepak Chopra
Following her study session, Honey decided to try to read the book that Trixie had given her as a gag gift last Christmas. Shed been so busy that she hadnt had a chance to do more than read the introduction. She did have to admit that some of her enthusiasm for reading the book might have been dampened by the titleNiagara Falls Confidential: Murder, Mayhem, & Madness in the Honeymoon Capitol of the World! Every time Honey looked at the cover, she rolled her eyes over the exclamation point in the title.
She had only read about three pages before her cell phone rang, and the display indicated that it was Dan. It was with a small amount of trepidation that the honey-haired girl answered the phone, reflecting that Dan had no idea how she was feeling about Brian these days. Despite her nervousness, however, she was able to sound normal when she answered the call with a bright, "Hi, sweetie!"
"Hi, babe," Dan said, and Honey had to admit that she felt her insides melt a little at the sound of his voice. No one, not even Brian, made her feel that way. "Where you at? Home or out?"
"Home. I assume youre on your way to your last class. Having a good day?" she asked.
"Now that Ive got you on the line," he said, and Honey could hear his smile over the phone. "What do you want to do tonight? Romantic, candlelit dinner at your place and then some snuggling in front of the television with a DVD that we wont watch?"
Honey smiled at Dans wickedness, which she loved, but she also recognized that she couldnt be alone with him. At least, not until she had talked to Brian. She felt that she needed to sort out her feelings and talk to Brian before she mentioned anything to Dan. If they spent an cozy evening together, she wasnt sure that she wouldnt blurt out her feelings and jumbled thoughts before she had a chance to talk to Brian and get his take on things.
"Theres that new movie," Honey blurted, trying to think of anything they could do that involved a public place.
Dan sounded confused. "What new movie? I didnt know there was a new movie out you wanted to see. Plus, if it just came out today, the crowds will be horrendous."
"No, its not that new," Honey said, trying to think fast. After a pause, she said, "I cant think of the title right now,"which was mostly the truth, as she couldnt think of any plausible title right then"but its that one with that girl." Honey closed her eyes and prayed that years of listening to Trixie-and-Honey speak would keep Dan from being suspicious at the vagaries of that comment.
"That one with that girl? Oh, that one! I know exactly what youre talking about," he teased, clearly unsuspicious.
"You know" Honey began, holding her breath and banking on the fact that Dan knew as little about new movies as she did. After all, neither one of them was really into movies. Their movie excursions while Honey had been in high school had been more for the Cameos balcony than any love of film. She decided to go for broke then and released her breath, as well as a rush of words. "It takes place in the Alps, with that girl who lives with goats and then goes to boarding school in Zrich and doesnt fit in at first because she tells all of these stories about her goats and theres this awful storm and half the city has a power outage and" Honey trailed off, realizing that not only was she babbling, but that she didnt like lying to Dan, however innocuous it might seem.
"Goats?" Dan asked, listening to Honeys description of the movie and never considering that she was making anything up. Stranger things had come out of Hollywood, after all. As unsuspicious as he was, Dan was torn. If Honey wanted to go see a movie, he wanted to oblige, but he firmly reminded himself of the reason that he wanted to spend a quiet evening at home in the first placehe wanted to sit down and talk to Honey in a private place about her relationship with and feelings about Brian. "I dont think I want to go to a crowded movie theater, though. I want a nice night in with my favorite girl."
Honey closed her eyes briefly at Dans words and then quickly opened them. She wanted that too, but "Okay, if thats what you want," she finally said, and then she could have kicked herself for how negative she had just sounded.
Her negativity only confirmed Dans suspicions about her feelings for about Brian. Her favorite Friday night activity usually was watching television cuddled together on her couch. "Well, if you dont want to do that, then we dont have to" his voice trailed off. Despite the fact that he wanted to pull her to him and hold on to her with all of his might and never let go, the last thing he was going to do was be too forceful and pressure her.
"Its not that I dont want to, Dan," Honey assured him, and that was the truth. She did want to be with him, but she just didnt want to accidentally blurt anything out. Dan knew her so well that he would probably be able to pick up that something was wrong if they had an intimate evening at her apartment.
Unless Dan already knows, her mind whispered. You are pretty obvious.
She ignored the persistent little voice and continued, "Come on over. Suddenly, the thought of battling the crowds at the movie exhausts me."
"Okay," Dan said, trying to ignore the niggling of doubt that tickled the back of his brain. "Do you want me to stop and get some food? Chinese or something? I kind of feel like steamed pork dumplings."
"Chinese sounds good," Honey said.
"Okay," Dan said, relieved that she had agreed to forego a movie that night. He promised himself that he would treat her to a matinee the next afternoon. "I still have one more class today, as you know, but after Im finished, Ill head over to your apartment building and stop by that Chinese place around the corner and get some food. You want the sesame chicken again?"
"No, the orange chicken combo dinner this time."
"Brown rice instead of fried rice and a spring roll instead of the egg roll?"
Honey affirmed that Dan was correct, thinking how well he knew her. Brian wouldnt know to substitute brown rice or a spring roll. "I think I also want some egg drop soup. A pint, please. Unless you want some, too?"
"Ill decide when I get there. Ill get a quart if I do. Ill see you in a while, bearing Chinese food."
"Sounds good, sweetie," Honey said and hit the end button on her cell phone. Without closing the clamshell cover, she hit the speed dial for Angela, who picked up on the fourth ring.
"Hello?" she answered, sounding a little breathless.
"Hi, Angela, its Honey. Everything okay?"
"Yep, just doing some aerobics, but Im more than ready for a break."
"Aerobics? In your little apartment?"
"It was either that or watch Newt Gingrich or some documentary about crabs Everything all right?"
"Yeah, mostly," Honey said, not surprised that Angela had honed in that something was up considering they had just seen each other a bit ago and normally didnt talk on the phone all that much. "I just was thinking about what you said earlier, and I called Brian. Were getting together tomorrow. I led him to believe that I needed more help with chem, but Im actually beginning to understand it on my own, thanks to his help the other day." Honey paused and then continued, "The thing is, Im not sure that he wants to see me."
"Oh?" was all Angela said, knowing that it would be enough.
"Yeah," Honey said. "He started talking about how he hadnt visited any of the Bob-Whites places, and he seemed to feel real guilty. I mean, its no big deal. Were all in different places, you know? Then he said that he wanted to come to my place because he had never seen it, and that made him feel especially guilty because we lived so close. He seemed to think that it was unexcusable, which is ridiculous. So, even though I want him to want to be here because he wants to be with me, I cant help but feel that he wants to be in my apartment because he has some weird cosmic check-off list, you know? I mean, if thats what he wants, fine, but thats not what its about for me. You know, just seeing a friends home because I think I need to to feel close to them. Its about seeing a friend, you know?"
Angela loved her lab partner, she did, but even six months of listening to her hadnt prepared her for this nonstop speech. How did Honey say so many words without taking a single breath? The girl must have the lung capacity of an ox. "So, whyd you decide to talk to Brian so quickly?"
"I guess mostly cause I am so sick of having this hanging over my head. I want to get it out in the open. But I need to talk to Brian before I talk to Dan, and I dont know how much longer I can keep hiding this from him."
"Itll be okay," Angela reassured her friend. "Why do you think itll be so bad if Dan knows what youre thinking before you talk to Brian? Everything youve ever said and that Ive seen between you says he knows you better than anyone. I think its actually Dan you should talk to first."
"Maybe," Honey said thoughtfully, as she considered Angelas words. Truthfully, they werent so far off from what she was thinking herself. "To tell you the truth, I dont know why Im being so stubborn about talking to Brian before Dan. I guess maybe Im hoping that my talk with Brian will fizzle, and therell be nothing for me to even tell Dan!"
"Do you really think thats going to happen?" Angela asked, trying to keep her voice neutral so that Honey didnt hear how doubtful she really was about that possibility.
Honey sighed deeply. "No," she said glumly. "But a girl can always hope, right?"
Angela chuckled. "Of course, a girl can always hope," she conceded. "But what does your gut say is going to happen when you talk to Brian?"
"I dont know," Honey wailed. "My stomach feels perpetually churny and like a gazillion butterflies are flying around in there, so its a little hard to tell if my guts saying anything."
"Okay, well, I dont think that the situation warrants you to be so stressed. You need to calm down and get control of before you give yourself an ulcer," Angela admonished her friend. "You dont need any health issues," she added, pronouncing the last word as "iss-ooze" like their least favorite professor.
"I know," Honey groaned, not even reacting to the joke that she and her lab partner had shared since the second week of school.
This is bad, Angela thought fleetingly when Honey didnt take the bait.
Honey continued, "Trust me. All of the pep talks Ive given myself dont help. Ive tried, really."
"Im sure you have."
"So, whats the next step?" Honey asked, trying to turn her attention to more positive things.
"Think about talking to Dan tonight. Why would that be so bad?" Angela asked.
Honey, who was staring out the window at the Italian slate mosaic that adorned the building across the street, closed her eyes and thought for several moments while Angela sat patiently on the other end of the line. Finally, she admitted in a small voice, "I guess my worst fear is that hell get really angry with me and break up with me on the spot."
"And do you really believe that thats going to happen?" Angela asked gently.
Honey opened her eyes. "No, not really. But its scary."
"Yeah, it is scary, but I think I know Dan. Hes not that guy. Dans my hero," she joked.
Honey smiled. "Hes my hero, too. And I know hes not that guy. I mean, I know that with my mind." Honey paused. "But fear is a funny thing."
"I know it is," Angela admitted as she picked up her Twist o the Mist floaty pen and turned it upside down and then right-side up. "Okay, whats the next worse thing that can happen?"
Honey drew in a deep breath. "That Ill hurt him," she said in a shaky voice barely above a whisper. "Thats the worst. That I will hurt someone that I care for very, very deeply."
"Thats definitely a legitimate fear, and it may happen. But he may also see your confusion for what it is and not be hurt at all," the other girl pointed out.
"I dont know about that," Honey said in a doubtful tone.
"Hey, were just throwing out possibilities. And he may understand, Honey. You dont know. After all, wasnt he one of the ones who originally thought that you and Brian would end up together?" Angela asked, even though she already knew the answer.
"Yes," Honey admitted.
"So, do you think maybe this is something that occurred to him a long time ago that might happen someday?" Angela continued in that calming voice. Honey could see why she wanted to be a counselor for troubled youth. She had a real talent and passion for it. Angela had brought up a point that made perfect sense that Honey had never even considered. Dan, being Dan, probably had been thinking about this possibility for quite a while. Why had she not realized that before?
"You know, that does make a lot of sense," Honey admitted, feeling a little bit better that she might not be blindsiding Dan with some out-of-the-blue revelation.
"I know it does, sweetie," Angela said with a chuckle. "I said it."
Honey laughed at her friends joke and then asked, "So, you really think I ought to talk to him about this tonight? Before I talk to Brian tomorrow?"
"Are you going to have to explain that you made a lunch date with Brian instead of Dan? Or is Dan likely to assume that you guys will be eating lunch together?" Angela wanted to know.
"I think Im going to have to explain it," Honey said slowly as she considered her friends questions. "You think its better if I explain everything instead of just blowing him off for lunch and making him worry and wonder?"
"Dont you?" Angela returned pointedly.
"Yes," Honey responded promptly. After a pause, she said, "Okay, youre right. Ill talk to him tonight."
Angela sighed in relief on her end, glad that Honey was beginning to step outside of her fear and realize that things were probably not as bad as she thought. The two friends chatted for a few moments longer before saying good-bye.
Honey stared at her phone a minute, remembering a telephone conversation that she had had with Di the previous fall. Diana had called her asking for advice about some unexpected feelings that she was having that would impact her relationship with Mart, and Honey had helped her through it. Now that Di was on the other side, maybe she would have some words of wisdom for Honey. She checked her watch and figured that if Di wasnt at dinner, she might be in her room. She quickly dialed Dis number and got Brooke, Dis roommate.
"Hi, Brooke," Honey said cheerfully. "Its Honey. Hows it goin?"
"Hi, Honey," Brooke greeted her. "Its goin okay. Howre things for you in the Big Apple?"
"Chemistry is kicking my butt, but other than that, things are going fairly well," Honey said.
"Ugh. Dont even mention chemistry to me!" Brooke exclaimed. "You want to talk to Di? Shes next door, but I can go get her."
"If you dont mind, Brooke, that would be great," Honey said.
"No problem!"
A minute or two later, Dis voice came on the line. "Honey? How are you?"
"Good. Howre you doing?"
"Really well. Ive been spending a lot of time in one of the studios working on a sculpture for my Intro to Sculpture class. Its really hard, but its a lot of fun," Di said.
"Im glad youre enjoying your classes so much," Honey said.
"Me, too. This is so much better than high school!" Even in her enthusiasm, Di could sense the unsaid sentiments in Honeys statement. "Arent you enjoying your classes?"
"Mostly," Honey said. "Chemistrys even more tough this semester than last semester. Im not really enjoying it very much right now."
"Thats too bad," Di sympathized.
"Yeah, I had to get Brians help with the organic part of it," Honey explained.
"Well, its a good thing that you had someone who could tutor you. I know that Trixie missed Brians help a lot after he left for Columbia."
"Yeah, I guess its a good thing," Honey hedged.
Again, Di recognized the undercurrents that Honey wasnt saying. "Its not a good thing?"
"Well" Honey began and then stopped. Sometimes, it was so much easier talking to Angela because she wasnt one of the seven Bob-Whites.
"Brian didnt help you?" Di asked.
"Oh, no, he helped me," Honey said immediately. "He helped me a lot."
"Then what isnt" Suddenly, a thought struck Di. "Oh my God! Diddid something happen between you two?"
"No!" Honey exclaimed, and Di was glad to hear the vehement denial.
"Then whats going on?" Di demanded. Usually she was more patient, but Honeys attitude had her as curious as Trixie.
Honey sighed. Of course, Di, the sensitive Bob-White, would hone in on her thoughts right away. "Well, spending time with him brought upfeelings," she admitted.
"Feelings? What kind of feelings?" Di asked cautiously. And are they the kind of feelings that could break up the Bob-Whites? she added to herself.
"Confusing ones," Honey stated. "I keep thinking about how I always thought that we would get together and how disappointed I was when he started dating someone else at college. Hanging out with him the other day reminded me of how much fun we used to have together, and how comfortable it is to spend time with him. And Im wondering if the feelings I used to have for him were really real, and if they are real, if theyve ever really gone away."
"Are you attracted to him?" Di asked.
Honey thought for a moment. Brian was very handsome. He was also smart, caring, kind, responsible, and dedicated. All traits that she loved. But was she attracted to him? She thought about how she felt when he looked at her or the moments the other day that they had laughed together. She then remembered her giddiness of just a bit ago when Brian had agreed to meet her for lunch.
"Maybe a little," she finally said.
"Oh, boy," Di said.
"Yeah, tell me about it," Honey returned, her voice rueful. "I dont want to hurt Dan, but I dont know if I can just shove this down, either. Itll always be between us if I dont deal with it."
"Youre right about that. Do you remember what you told me last fall when I was thinking about shoving down my feelings? You said that feelings arent right or wrong, and its what you do with them that counts. You said to follow my heart and be true to myself. And even though it killed me to hurt Mart, I realized that you were right. If I shoved my feelings down, it would have come between us anyway."
"I talk too much."
Di smiled. "No, you dont. You were right. And you need to do the same thing. At the very least, you need to figure out exactly what it is that you feel for Brian and talk to Dan about it. ASAP. Dans an observer, and hes bound to notice somethings up. Itll be far worse if you dont talk about it." Dis advice was very similar to Angelas.
"I know, and Ive decided to talk to Dan about ittonighteven though I dont really know what Im feeling yet. I guess I just wanted some moral support."
"Youve got it, Hon," Di said fervently. "I never would have been able to get through my break up with Mart without all of your moral support, and that of the other Bob-Whites. You know were all here for you, no matter what."
"Even if I shatter us into bits?" Honey asked.
"Youre not going to do that. Remember what you said to me last fall? You said that we were Bob-Whites, and wed always be friends, no matter what."
"I talk too much," Honey said again, this time with a grin.
Di laughed, happy to hear the smile in her friends voice. "Yeah, sometimes I really just wish I could get you to shut up." The two girls shared a giggle, and then Di said, "Dan wont break up with you. Hes not that guy. Hell just be glad" Di stopped at Honeys giggle. "What? Whatd I say?"
"I was talking about this to my lab partner earlier, and when I said that I was afraid Dan would break up with me, she said, Hes not that guy. Youre channeling each other!"
Di laughed. "Well, your lab partner obviously has good sense! So, after you get the talk out of the way tonight, when are you going to talk to Brian?"
"Were having lunch together tomorrow," Honey admitted.
"Wow. You dont mess around, do you? What are you going to say to Brian if youre not sure what you feel?"
"I dont know. I guess just try to get the elephant out of the room. I mean, it has felt weird between us ever since he started dating, and its gotten even weirder since he started dating Lexi. You know, because hes so serious about her. And as much as I know that he is serious about Lexi, I still get thesevibesfrom him. I dont know how else to put it. So, I just thought we could talk about thatnot necessarily talk about getting together or anything drastic. I just think we need to address the situation since its been going on for a few years now."
"Sounds reasonable," Di said. "Oops, hang on a second." Honey heard indistinct chatter in the background and then Di say, "All right, thanks!" before Di returned. "Sorry about that," she apologized. "The gang is heading to dinner in a few minutes, but I dont want to leave you hanging if you need me."
"No, no. Go eat with your friends. Ill be fine," Honey reassured her.
"Are you sure?"
"Absolutely! We were basically done talking anyway, and Dans going to be here soon. As long as you promise to send me good thoughts while youre out this evening, Ill let you off the hookthis time."
Di laughed. "I promise! Good luck, Hon."
"Thanks, Di. Have fun at dinner!"
After the two girls had hung up, Honey decided to take a quick shower, knowing that the hot water would ease her tensions. Just as she was finished getting dressed, she heard the ringing of her phone and assumed that it was Dan calling her to tell her that he was close to her building.
Sure enough, when she answered the phone, it was Dan reporting that he was just leaving the Chinese place and would be at her apartment building soon. After promising to head down to the lobby to sign him in, she hung up, and that was when panic set in. Realizing that her boyfriend was so close and the hour of truth would soon be upon her, the butterflies that had been fluttering around her stomach for the last few days returned with such a force that she actually thought she was going to be sick.
She closed her eyes and breathed very slowly, remembering Angela and Dianas words of wisdom and encouragement. She could do this. She opened her eyes, and although she could still feel adrenaline coursing through her, at least she didnt feel like she was going to vomit any moment. She threw on a pair of battered mocs that she kept by the door just for when she had to leave her apartment to sign someone in and headed down to the lobby to meet Dan. She had to wait quite a while for the elevator, and when she entered the lobby, she was relieved to see that Dan wasnt waiting for her. She hated to keep him waiting. In less than a minute, however, her boyfriend entered the building. As he stepped through the lobby doors, the wind outside followed him in, whipping his longish, black hair around his face in an appealing way. His chiseled cheeks were stained slightly red from a chilly breeze outside, and the black leather jacket that he worea stylish, bomber type with no gang graffiti painted on the back of itmade him look incredibly sexy. He looked like the typical bad boy that every girl wanted, one she could tame and try to turn good. Except, in Dans case, he already was good, with a good heart and a strong moral compass. Honey knew that she was with a man who had the whole package and fleetingly wondered why she was even thinking about Brian Belden at all.
Dan spotted her and headed toward her with a smile. She returned the smile and hurried forward to meet him, greeting him with a quick kiss. The two headed for the security desk to sign Dan in. The security guard that was on duty at the security desk recognized Dan and waved a greeting. After Dan was signed in and the two had exchanged pleasantries with the guard, they headed toward the elevators. Honey took one of the steaming, fragrant brown paper bags Dan carried as the two waited for an elevator to arrive.
Honey breathed in deeply, an appreciative smile on her face. "Mmmmthis smells really, really good."
"Good," Dan said as he smiled at her. If only Honey knew how sexy she was when she looked like that. "I was in the mood for Chinese, and I was really hoping that you were, too."
"I didnt know I was until I smelled it!" Honey laughed as the elevator arrived, and the two rode up to her apartment, listening to a horrendous Muzak version of Stacy Qs "Two of Hearts."
As soon as Honey and Dan entered her residence, they got to work getting the meal ready. Honey took the other bag from Dan and headed to the kitchen to get out dishes, silverware, and two cans of soda. She quickly set the table, where she had already placed two tapered candles in simple crystal candle holders. Dan had mentioned a candlelit dinner, and Honey had taken him literally. While she was preparing the dining table, her boyfriend hung up his jacket in the closet next to Honeys yellow rain poncho and then went to wash his hands.
Within minutes, the two were seated at the table and feasting on their Chinese food, the glow of candlelight flickering around them. Dan and Honey enjoyed a romantic dinner with no loaded topics, just the innocuous chatter of two people in love catching up on the events of the day.
After dinner, as Honey and Dan were clearing the dishes, the fire alarm went off. Honey and Dans eyes met.
"Probably just a false alarm," Dan said.
"Yeah, but what if its not?"
Dan sighed, hating that his quiet evening with Honey might be wrecked. "I guess wed better evacuate."
Honey grabbed her laptop case with her laptop and a few other important things, just in case, and Dan also grabbed his own backpack. As they gathered their things, they could hear the hallway commotion of evacuating students. Mostly it was just the usual chatter of a lot of people in a small place, but one student had decided to loudly sing the "Oompa Loompa" song from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. Honey and Dan looked at each other and grinned.
"Theres one way to evacuate a building," Dan joked.
The two left the apartment and joined the throng of students in the hallway. As they passed by another apartment, its door wide open, they heard someone say, "I dont want to evacuate. Is there at least a window I can stick my butt out?"
Honey grinned up at Dan. "And theres another."
An hour later, the two were back up in Honeys apartment, the building having received an all clear after it was discovered that someone had set off the fire alarm by accident.
Dan helped Honey wash the meager amount of dishes that they had used for their Chinese feast, and the two of them put them away together. After the dishes had been put away, Dan reached for the fortune cookies that they had not had a chance to eat before the fire alarm went off. He handed one to Honey and selected one for himself.
Honey watched as Dan cracked open his cookie and withdrew the small scrap of white paper inside. Dan read out loud, "You will need to be patient in love." He looked up at Honey and saw that she looked rather uneasy all of a sudden. "Whats the matter?"
"Nothing," Honey said, hoping she sounded normal. "Why do you ask?"
Dan shrugged. "I dont know. You just didnt seem too happy with that fortune."
"Well, I certainly dont ever want to try your patience!" she said with a laugh meant to sound cheerful and unruffled.
Dan didnt comment on the silvery, brittle laugh and instead asked, "What does yours say?"
Honey quickly looked down and pretended to concentrate on cracking open the cookie to hide the apprehension she knew must show on her face. One thing she had learned from past experience was that she always managed to get a fortune that uncannily reflected whatever was going on in her life at the moment. She planned on talking to Dan about her recent Brian dilemma after dinner, but what if the stupid fortune cookie outed her before she had a chance?
She delicately withdrew the small scrap of paper with her slender fingers. Dan loved looking at those elegant and delicate fingers, and even just watching her handle a fortune cookie was a worthwhile sight. Honey, completely unaware of Dans thoughts, was desperately wishing that the fortune would be innocuous.
"You have a difficult journey ahead of you." As she started to toss the paper onto the counter, she realized that there was another scrap of paper behind that one. Not another one, she thought with a mental groan. "Ive got a second one. An uncomfortable situation will soon be eased."
Yep, as always, her fortunes had hit close to home. Getting two at once was a new experience, though.
She looked up, and guilty hazel eyes met troubled dark ones.
"So, you want to talk about it?" Dan asked.
~*~*~*~*~
My carryover items were: Newtin this case Gingrich (#2.1), health issues (SA#5), slate (#2.2), Muzak (#2.3), the balcony of the Cameo (#2.4), seven (mention of the seven Bob-Whites; SA#6), hero (#2.5), power outage (#2.6), crabs (SA#7), bad weather (2.7).
