Basic Chemistry

Part Five: The Chemistry of Dissatisfaction

I’m throwing in the towel.  Not only would it be insanely hard to work in the elements from the CWPs I have left to do into the current story, I’ve officially run out of time, and I will be inactive if I don’t get going and stop trying to retroactively add CWP elements!  It was a good run while it lasted, but this story is just a story.  :)  Many, many, many thanks to Susan, who not only improves my writing but does it on demand.  Thanks for the speedy edit, sweetie! 

The chemistry of dissatisfaction is as the chemistry of some marvelously potent tar.  In it are the building stones of explosives, stimulants, poisons, opiates, perfumes, and stenches.
                                                      –Eric Hoffer

"Talk?" Honey asked, her heart suddenly in her throat.

Dan noted her deer-in-headlights expression before replying, "Yeah. Those fortunes didn’t seem to sit well with you. And don’t forget that I know about you and fortunes. So, if you’ve got some kind of difficult journey or uncomfortable situation, then I think we should talk about it."

Wordlessly, her hands like ice, Honey headed for the small living room and sat down on the couch. Dan followed her and sat down next to her. She sighed deeply and tried to get up the nerve to broach the subject that had been foremost on her mind for several days…ever since she had decided that she needed Brian’s help in chemistry.

"Honey, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to," Dan said as he watched the nervous wringing of his girlfriend’s hands. "It’s just—if something’s bothering you…"

"Something is bothering me, and I don’t want to talk about it, but I do need to tell you how I have been feeling lately," Honey explained.

"Are you okay?" Dan asked, concerned. Seeing Honey in distress was exactly what he had been afraid of. He did not want Honey feeling bad for wondering "What if?" in terms of her relationship with Brian. She was only human, and it was a very natural thing to do. But loyal Honey saw it as treason, of course.

"I’m fine," Honey assured him, but even as she said it, she realized she wasn’t. What she was about to say was going to hurt the person she loved. She’d rather cut out her own tongue than hurt Dan.

She looked at her boyfriend, who was clearly doing his best to encourage her to talk. His dark eyes were caring and compassionate.

"What is it, Honey?" he asked gently. "You know you can tell me anything."

Honey nodded. "I know that I can normally tell you anything, but this is so hard. I’m so afraid of hurting you," she said. It was hard, but she was relieved that she was finally being completely open with Dan.

"Honey, I don’t think that you could ever hurt me," Dan said. "You’re loyal, honest, and caring. I don’t see you ever doing anything to hurt anyone that you love. And I know that you love me."

"I do love you!" Honey blurted out. "That’s why this is so hard."

"I hate seeing you like this, Honey," Dan said earnestly. "Whatever it is, it’s not so bad that we can’t work through this. We can make it through anything, you know."

Dan’s thoughtfulness was more than Honey could take. Tears glistened in her huge hazel eyes. "I don’t deserve you," she said.

"That’s ridiculous!" Dan protested. "You’re really starting to worry me, sweetie."

"I’m sorry," Honey said, wiping her eyes with the back of her hands. "I’m a mess. You’re so wonderful and so supportive of me."

"That goes both ways, you know," he reminded her. "You supported me a lot in the past few years, sometimes when no one else did. When I first moved to Sleepyside, everyone was ready to write me off—even my own uncle—but you…you were different. You always gave me the benefit of the doubt, even when I walked around with that big ol’ chip on my shoulder and never gave you any reason to give me the benefit of the doubt. So, don’t ever say you’re not good enough for me."

He gathered her hands in his as he stared deep into her eyes. "Madeleine Grace Wheeler, I love you, and I’m not going to be mad at you, no matter what it is that you have to say. I promise."

Tears slid down Honey’s cheeks as she listened to Dan. She was an idiot to ever think that she and Dan weren’t meant for each other—that there might be something between herself and Brian. What had she been thinking? Dan’s words and his love gave her the courage to take a deep breath and finally say, "I thought, well, after spending time this week with Brian, I thought that maybe, well, I don’t know, it was just like old times and…and there was this time, you know, before you and I started dating, before you even came to Sleepyside that everyone thought that, well, that, you know, that…" Honey often garbled her speech under the best of circumstances, and when she was nervous, it was even worse, but Dan understood perfectly.

"Everyone thought that you would end up with Brian," he stated, putting Honey out of her misery.

At his words, the tension eased out of her. "Yeah," she said softly, her eyes filled with tenderness as she looked at him. "I should’ve known you’d know. I mean, I was pretty sure that you would know, which—to be honest—is why I didn’t want to spend any time alone with you tonight. I was so afraid that you’d guess what was wrong before I had a chance to talk things over with Brian, but Angela and Di reminded me of a few things, and they were right. I’m so glad that we talked this over first."

Despite Honey’s jumbled speech, Dan was able to ascertain two things: She was going to talk to Brian before him. She had already talked to Angela and Di. Before him. He tried to reign in his temper. He had promised Honey he wouldn’t be mad, but that was when he thought she was just confused over her feelings. It had never occurred to him that she would talk to other people before she had talked to him. And it certainly never occurred to him that she would talk to Brian first. Apparently, Honey didn’t think enough of him or their relationship to talk to him first. Dan felt a strong surge of jealousy course through him at her words. He tried to keep his feelings under control, desperate to live up to his promise, but something in his face must have changed, because the look on Honey’s face changed from relief to crestfallen.

Dan took a deep breath and tried to calm down. No matter how upset he was, he didn’t want to see Honey looking that way.

"What?" Honey asked, a tinge of panic in her voice. "What’s wrong?"

"You just admitted that you discussed our relationship with Angela and Di, and you were going to discuss this with Brian before you thought to discuss it with me, the boyfriend whom you supposedly love so much," Dan said in an even tone.

The lack of emotion in Dan’s voice was almost worse than his words, and Honey looked stricken and drew back as if slapped.

"‘Supposedly love’?" she echoed, sounding and looking very much like a lost and frightened little girl. "You don’t think that I love you? But you just said…"

Dan ran a hand through his hair. Of course, he knew that she loved him. Why the heck had he just said that? And after he had promised her he would not get upset. He sighed. He really didn’t deserve her. Maybe she was better off with Brian. That’s what that damn little imp inside his head definitely wanted him to believe.

"I’m sorry, Honey. I’m a jerk. I do know that you love me. I don’t know what made me say that, except I was really hurt that you would talk to Angela and Di about this when you obviously felt that you couldn’t talk to me." Dan paused for a moment and then continued, "And the thought that you were going to talk to Brian before me, and the only reason you didn’t is because people outside this relationship thought better, well…" He left his sentence unfinished and spread his hands wide in a gesture that indicated that he was speechless.

"Okay, first of all, since when am I not allowed to discuss things with my friends?" Honey demanded. Something inside her that she couldn’t explain had just switched from scared and sad to irritated in the blink of an eye. "If you must know, I didn’t have any grand plans to discuss things with Angela, but apparently, I’m a poor actress and she guessed that something was wrong. Instead of letting her worry about me, and to also try to gain some perspective because I was so confused, I confided in her. I’m sorry if that threatens you, Dan, but I do have friends other than you, you know."

Dan sighed again. "Okay, you’re right. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I got jealous that you discussed this with others. It just hurts because it seems like you didn’t feel as though you could trust me enough to discuss this with me first."

Honey’s temper fled as quickly as it had appeared. She didn’t want Dan to feel like she trusted others more than him, especially as that wasn’t the case at all. "I’m sorry that you felt like I didn’t trust you," Honey apologized. "I did want to talk to you, and I do trust you. I was just so darn afraid."

"But don’t you see, Honey? If you were afraid that I was going to be mad at you or break up with you, then you don’t trust me." Before she could protest, he went on. "You don’t trust me enough to not lose my temper over something we could work on together." Dan looked at her for a long moment, something heartbreaking in his dark eyes. "Did you cheat on me with him?"

Honey looked appalled and gave him a resounding, "No!"

"Well, if you didn’t act on whatever feelings you’re having, then you should have felt like you could come to me and talk about them. Heck, even if you did act on the feelings, you should talk to me. I want us to be able to talk about anything and everything. And that includes the tough things. You have to trust me enough to talk to me about the tough things, too."

"But it wasn’t like I never planning on talking to you at all. I just felt like I needed to get my head screwed on before I talked to you. And I thought that the best way to do that was to sort through what is in my head on my own—and also to talk to Brian about what’s going on in his head," Honey explained.

Dan considered Honey’s words for a moment. He was trying to tamp down the unreasonable jealousy that coursed through him every time he thought about Honey talking to Brian about this before she discussed it with him.

"Okay," he finally said. "I’ve got to admit that I’m really jealous right now. I’m jealous of you having this discussion with Brian before you had it with me. Just when was this discussion supposed to take place? How long where you going to avoid me?"

"I wasn’t going to avoid you," Honey insisted. "I only meant that I was afraid that if we were alone together, you would guess that something was wrong. Angela did, and you know me loads better than Angela does. As for when the discussion is supposed to take place, Brian and I are getting together tomorrow."

Dan again tried to control the jealousy that flared at the thought of Honey getting together with Brian. He was being ridiculous for getting jealous when he had been expecting this. Hadn’t he been expecting this for some time? Ever since he and Honey had begun dating, to be exact. Not to mention that Brian was a fellow Bob-White and someone that he trusted implicitly. So, where the hell was this jealousy coming from?

He asked, in a careful voice, "So, you’re going to sit down tomorrow and discuss this with Brian?" At Honey’s timid nod, he asked, "Does he know that you are going to discuss this?" Honey shook her head no. "He thinks you’re going to study?"

"We are going to study," Honey said somewhat defensively.

"Fine, but he thinks studying is all you are going to do. He has no idea you have anything else on your mind, does he?"

Honey reluctantly shook her head and said, "No, he doesn’t."

"You said that he could help you get your head on straight. What did you mean by that? What do you expect him to say?" Dan wondered.

Honey looked startled. "I don’t know what I expect him to say, honestly. I just kind of wanted to…" Honey paused, gesturing with her hands as she tried to find the right words. "Feel him out about how he felt." As soon as they were out of her mouth, Honey realized that the words that she had finally found were not the right words.

Dan’s eyes darkened, and his chiseled features, already very angular, went absolutely taut at her words. Honey blinked back tears. This was going just as badly as she had feared that it would.

"Feel him out?" Dan asked in a tight, controlled voice that was deceptively calm. But Honey knew that a storm was brewing.

"I didn’t mean that exactly," Honey said, faltering.

"Then what did you mean?" Dan asked in a dangerous tone.

"I just meant that, maybe, well, maybe if Brian told me I was being silly, that the whole idea was stupid, I was thinking that maybe…" Honey’s voice trailed off as she looked at the remote, icy expression on Dan’s face. Dan stared at her, and Honey knew that he wasn’t going to budge until she finished. This wasn’t going to go well, but it looked as though she didn’t have a choice, given the impassive look on Dan’s face, so she plunged ahead. "…That I could just ignore it."

"Just ignore it," Dan repeated. "Ignore it as in, maybe you would never bring it up to me at all?"

Honey looked nervous. "I don’t know, honestly. I was afraid of hurting you…" Again, her voice trailed off uncertainly.

"Well, Honey Wheeler, you managed to do that any way," Dan said in clipped tones. "You were just going to discuss this with Brian, and if it turned out a certain way, you were going to sweep it under the rug and keep your boyfriend, whom you claim to love so much, completely in the dark and never tell him about these feelings. Feelings, I might add, that are perfectly natural, perfectly normal, and perfectly expected. But you didn’t trust me enough to find that out. Angela apparently knows me better than you do."

Dan did not raise his voice, but the icy disdain that dripped from his words spoke louder than shouting ever could, and Honey shrank back.

Dan continued in an ominously low voice, "And if you spoke to Brian tomorrow, and he said that your feelings weren’t silly and that he had them, too, then what, Honey?"

A flush crept up Honey’s neck and into her cheeks, and Dan thought that he had his answer, but before he could react again, Honey spoke.

"I don’t know. Dan, I wish I could tell you, but to tell you the truth, I honestly don’t know," Honey said miserably.

"Would you kiss him on the spot?" Dan asked, the anger, pain, and jealousy he felt twisting his stomach into a knot.

Honey looked shocked. "Of course not!" she declared indignantly, and her anger flared. Two dark spots appeared on her cheeks, and Dan did not think that he had ever seen his girlfriend more angry.

Or more beautiful, he thought ironically as Honey continued, "And if you think for one minute that that’s what I would do, Dan Mangan, then you don’t know me as well as you think you do. And you most certainly don’t know me as well as I thought you did." Her eyes narrowed and her voice dropped a notch lower. "And you obviously don’t trust me. You talk about trust and say that I should have spoken to you about how I was feeling. You said that you wouldn’t get angry or upset. Well, guess what? Here we are, having the conversation I dreaded, and look! You are upset! And you are angry! You talk about trust and how I don’t trust you enough, when all along, if you think that I would cheat on you, then you don’t trust me! You hypocrite! And you know what? Not only would I not do it to you, but I wouldn’t do it to Lexi! And I wouldn’t put Brian in that position, either. But most of all, I wouldn’t do it to myself! I have more self respect than that, Daniel Timothy Mangan!"

Honey was shouting by the end of her tirade, and that it was so uncharacteristic of his girlfriend that it made Dan all the more miserable. He hated that they were fighting. He and Honey rarely fought, and certainly not like this. But, unfortunately, something inside of him was keeping him going. The jealousy he felt was tearing him apart with its intensity, and he did not know how to deal with it other than lash out, even it if was directed at the last person that he wanted to hurt. His feelings were all churned up inside, but he had to know the truth. He needed to know the truth, as awful as that truth might be.

"Fine," he said, fighting to keep his voice even and his emotions under control. "You wouldn’t cheat on me. But if you decide that these feelings are real, are you going to break up with me if he breaks up with Lexi?"

Honey paused. She couldn’t help it. She didn’t know. It was one of the reasons that she had wanted to speak to Brian before she spoke to Dan. She couldn’t answer it now. The feelings from her fight were too painful, too raw. Just a few moments before, she was thinking that Dan was the only one for her and that he would never hurt her. But he had. Not only had he said that she "supposedly" loved him and then, knowing it would hurt her, followed that up with an accusation that she only "claimed" to love him, but he didn’t trust her—didn’t know her—if he thought that she would cheat on him with anyone, let alone one of his best friends.

Finally, after she had regained some measure of control over her emotions, she spoke. "Dan, I love you very much, no matter what you seem to think. It’s not just a claim that I make," Honey said, throwing his word back at him. "I hadn’t gotten that far in my thinking. Right now, I’m so angry that I don’t want to answer that question."

"Fine," Dan said, standing up and looking down at her. "I think maybe it’s best if I leave."

Honey stared at him. Part of her wanted him to leave, she was so angry, but another part of her wanted him to stay so that they could make up.

Which was the bigger part?

Honey made her decision and swallowed hard. "You can leave if you want to, and maybe that’s best so that we don’t say any more hurtful things to each other, but I don’t want you to leave." There. She had said it. She closed her eyes, waiting for the rejection that she was certain was going to follow her admission, and was pleasantly surprised when she felt the couch sag next to her. She opened her eyes to see Dan staring at her, his expression contrite, his eyes begging for forgiveness.

"I don’t want to leave, either," Dan admitted.

The fight had gone out of each of them, and they clung to each other, afraid to think about the future.

~*~*~*~*~

Honey and Dan had called an uneasy truce and did not discuss any more loaded topics for the rest of the evening. Dan learned that Honey was having lunch with Brian, so he did not suggest seeing a matinee together, as he had planned to. Honey wanted to ask Dan to have dinner with her, but she was too afraid to broach the subject. Dan spent the night at Honey’s, but the cuddling, which usually felt so warm and brought them close together, did not feel the same for either of them. Brian Belden was between them now. Both Dan and Honey felt that.

The two slept in the next morning, and the fight of the night before was still their minds as they awoke. Both tried to pretend that it was not still between them, but each of them failed miserably. They made breakfast together, as was their Saturday morning tradition, but the usual easy laughter was noticeably missing. Dan scrambled the eggs and added shredded cheddar cheese, chopped tomatoes, and diced green peppers and onions. Honey heated a skillet for sausage and shredded potatoes for hash browns.

The two worked in the kitchen silently and efficiently, used to their Saturday morning ritual. Often they worked together in an easy and companionable silence, the comfortable silence of two people who did not need to talk to enjoy each other’s presence. Today, however, it was a strained and tense silence, with both of them lost in thoughts of their fight the night before and Honey’s impending talk with Brian. Honey and Dan both longed to turn back the clock and regain that sense of companionship that they so treasured.

Finally, the meal was complete, and the two sat down to eat it. Usually Saturday morning’s breakfast was filled with chatter, but the uncomfortable silence still reigned.

Suddenly unable to stand the silence, Honey threw her fork down on her plate in an unusual moment of pique. "I can’t take this any more!"

Startled at the sudden noise and Honey’s uncharacteristic gesture, Dan looked up quickly, apprehension in his dark eyes.

Honey looked at Dan and continued, "It really sucks that stupid Brian Belden has wrecked not only our romantic Friday evening together, but also our Saturday morning!"

Dan was more than a little surprised at her language. He wasn’t sure he had ever heard Honey assess anything as "sucking," but he did have to grin at Brian being described as "stupid."

Honey took his grin as encouragement. "I love you, Dan," she said earnestly. "And no matter what I feel for Brian, that will never change. Can’t we get past this?"

Dan wanted to get past it more than anything, but he also didn’t want to get lulled into a false sense of security, get his hopes up, and then realize that Honey truly loved Brian and was dumping him for her first love.

"I want to, Honey. I love you, too, and I will always love you no matter what. But I…I need to guard my heart right now," he explained. He then took a deep breath. What he was about to say was painful for him, but it was the absolute truth and had to be said. "If you want to be with Brian, I’m not going to stop you. I want you to be happy more than I want anything else, and if Brian Belden makes you happier than I can, then so be it. But it will hurt. A lot. And if you’re going to go over to his place and decide that you want to try dating him, well, then, I need to protect myself."

Honey nodded slowly. "That makes sense, and I understand. And saying that you want me to be happy no matter what, even at your own expense, makes you the sweetest man ever." Honey’s hazel eyes filled with tears. "You really and truly are too good for me, and I don’t deserve you. And this makes me wonder all the more why I’m being so stupid about Brian!"

Dan reached for Honey’s hand. "You’re not being stupid, sweetie," he said gently. "You really aren’t. You have all of these unresolved feelings that go back years. I suspect they go back to the very moment that you met Brian. You guys have never dealt with them, even when he started dating after he left for college, and they need to be dealt with. I’ve always known that. It’s better that you’re dealing with this now and not later, like say, if we were engaged or married or something. You need to resolve this, because we absolutely cannot go forward until it is resolved. I hope more than anything that the resolution makes us stronger as a couple, but if the resolution is that you and Brian need to…" He paused and swallowed, the next thought almost too painful to speak out loud. "If you and Brian decide that you need to explore these feelings together…well…there is really nothing that I can do, and I certainly will not stand in your way."

Honey’s heart nearly broke at the sight of Dan sitting there with so much pain and courage and understanding openly displayed in his beautiful dark eyes. She squeezed his hand as tears flowed down her cheeks. She tried to smile and lighten the situation. "Subscribing to the ‘If you love someone, set them free’ theory of relationships, are we now?"

Dan smiled through his pain. "Yeah, I guess so. ‘And if they don’t come back, hunt them down and kill them.’" At that, the two shared a genuine smile, and the painful moment was over. They leaned toward each other and shared a sweet kiss.

As they resumed their eating after the kiss, Dan said, "So, I was thinking that maybe I could stay here while you go meet Brian? Be waiting for you when you get back?"

Honey looked uncomfortable. "Well, Brian was kind of freaking out over the fact that he’s never been to visit any of the Bob-Whites except Mart. Apparently, it’s really been bothering him that he can’t picture where each of us lives when we all used to be so close, so he wanted to come over here." Honey shrugged as if to reassure Dan that it was no big deal. "I can kind of see his point. I mean, you and I visited Jim at Michigan State back when he lived in the dorms, but he’s living off campus now, and Trixie’s there, and with freshman year being so crazy, I’ve never gotten a chance to visit her, either. It is kind of weird to realize that I can’t even picture where my best friend or my brother live."

Dan, however, had a different take on the situation. Was Brian really so concerned about where all of the Bob-Whites lived? Or just one in particular? Was he going to make a pilgrimage to every single domicile of each Bob-White? Or was he just going to check out Honey’s apartment? Again, a niggle of jealousy tugged at him.

"Okay, so I guess I’ll leave," Dan said, not happy about this new turn of events. He couldn’t help adding sarcastically, "I can use the time to go tidy up my place in case Brian decides he needs to see where I live, too."

Honey looked at him. "I think he really does want to come see your place, Dan. I don’t think that he was using this as an excuse." Her huge hazel eyes pleaded with him to understand.

Dan noticed her pleading look and sighed. "I’m sorry I’m so cynical, Honey. I know Brian, and of course, he’s the type to wonder about where we all live. The rest of us Bob-Whites are together, but Brian has been kind of isolated ever since his freshman year at Columbia. And now that you and I are in the City, of course he’s starting to realize how isolated he’s been."

Dan looked at Honey and wondered if he should say what he was about to say. Honey noticed the look and asked, "What?"

When Dan didn’t immediately answer, she said, "C’mon. You have to tell me now, or I’ll just die of curiosity!"

"Okay, Trixie," Dan said with a chuckle, and Honey smiled. "I’ll tell you. That girl that he dated before Lexi, well, I think she was kind of a control freak, and she really isolated him. Jim and I were pretty worried about him, actually. We both really noticed a change in him, and it wasn’t for the better. After they broke up, he was pretty hurt and confused, but I could see a glimpse of the old Brian. Then, he started dating Lexi, but then they broke up because of her dad, and by that time, you and I had paired off. Brian came home for the summer, and Trixie and Jim were more solid than ever and in their own little world making plans for Michigan State. Mart and Di, as you know, were always their own little island. I think he felt isolated all over again. I noticed the change in him that summer, and I know Mart and Jim did, too."

Dan paused, wondering if he should tell Honey something that he had kept hidden for nearly two years. Finally, he continued, "I never said anything, but remember how he was around when we were getting ready for my prom? I saw the look in his eyes as he watched you that night. I shouldn’t be telling you this now, especially given everything that’s going on right now, but there was definitely regret in his eyes as he looked at you. That summer, we had a lot of talks about Lexi and how he couldn’t forget her, so I pushed the memory of how he was looking at you the night of my prom into the back of my mind. But I’ve always known that he had unresolved feelings about you, too." Dan looked down. "I think…I think that’s why I got so stupidly jealous last night. I’m just so afraid that…" Dan didn’t finish his sentence. He just looked up at Honey with a look so raw that Honey reached out and hugged him.

"I’m so sorry, Dan—so sorry we’re putting you through this. I hate myself for this. I really do."

Dan pulled away at her and said fiercely, "Don’t you dare hate yourself, Honey Wheeler. Like I said before, what you’re feeling is normal. You have to do this, and we both know it."

He gave her a rueful smile. "It looks like the Bob-White girls need to spread their wings a little."

Honey knew that he referred to Di’s sudden need to break free from her old life and experience a whole new world. A need that included freedom from her boyfriend of many years—a boy that she had loved since kindergarten.

"This isn’t quite the same thing as Di," Honey said quietly.

"No, I know," Dan said. "You’re a lot more self-assured than Di ever was, so I don’t ever think you’ll need to go to quite the same extreme. You know, I spent some time with Di when you guys were all off together, and I got to know her pretty well. I wasn’t surprised by what happened once she went away. She was always Trixie’s friend or Mart’s girlfriend or the sudden-millionaire’s daughter or the big sister. She was never really able to be Diana Lynch, except when she was doing her art stuff. I’m not surprised that she needed to break free of all of that at college. I’m just sorry that Mart had to get hurt in the process."

Honey nodded soberly. "I am, too," she said. She looked at Dan for a moment and then asked, "So, why don’t you think I’ll ever do that?"

"Because even though you’re Trixie’s friend, you never allowed your self to be defined as that," Dan explained. "You’ve always known exactly who you are, even while being friends with a hurricane like Trixie Belden. You’ve always known what you wanted, and you’ve gone after it. When you and Trixie decided to be detectives, you agreed with her because that’s what you wanted, too. You didn’t just agree just because that’s what Trixie wanted. If you weren’t genuinely interested in being a detective, Trixie never would have been able to persuade you, no matter how forceful her personality is."

Honey smiled. "I’m so glad you believe in me."

"Well, I’m not the only one," Dan said. "Your brother and Trixie know how strong you are, too. Trixie told me a ton of times about how you were timid at first, but within a very short time, you were really brave and went forward in spite of the danger." He grinned. "Like pretending you were a member of a trailer-stealing gang. I really wish I had been there to see that!"

Honey laughed. "It really was surreal. I was absolutely terrified at first, but then, looking down on Al and Jeff from the loft, it was like watching an exciting movie, and I forgot to be scared. Plus, we realized how close we were to Jim, so we were really excited and happy about that. Then, when it looked like Al might kidnap us, it just didn’t seem real. And when Trixie kicked Al and knocked him down, well, that was the highlight of that whole scene for me. You should have seen the look his face as he tumbled down to the ground!"

Dan shook his head. "I can’t believe the dangerous things you two got into when you were just thirteen years old."

"I know. We must have had one heck of a guardian angel following us around," she said with a smile and then sobered. "I know you don’t like to talk about it, Dan, but I know that you must have been involved in some dangerous situations when you were just barely a teenager, too."

Dan’s face became gravely serious. "You’re right, Honey, and I hope that you will never have to know or experience such things."

"But, Dan, I want you to be able to talk to me about these things. I want to know about that part of your life, because as awful as it was, it’s still a part of you and made you who you are today. And who you are today is someone I love very much. I want to know the details of how you got to be you, and I hate that you don’t want to share that with me, even if it is a misguided attempt at protecting me."

Dan sighed. "I am trying to protect you, Honey. But I’m also trying to protect myself, too. I don’t like remembering that Dan Mangan, and I don’t like thinking about it. I don’t want you to ever look at me and see that Dan and not me."

Honey reached out to take his hand. "That would never happen. I’d never judge you. You talked yesterday about trust. Well, you need to trust the love that I have for you." She smiled. "Even when you were the old Dan with that huge chip on your shoulder, I didn’t see that Dan."

Dan smiled. Honey made a good point. She had seen the good in him, even when he had given her no reason to. "I know. And I will try to tell you some day. Maybe when I work through it myself. Okay?"

Honey nodded. She certainly wasn’t going to push him. "Okay."

"So, do you want me to come back after Brian leaves? I’d like to. Unless you want some time alone afterward?"

Honey shook her head. "No, I don’t think I’ll need time alone." At least, she hoped not. "But you don’t want to go all the way home and come back, do you?"

"I can head over to the library and get some studying in. You could call me on my cell when you and Brian are done," Dan suggested.

"Are you sure?" Honey asked, looking at him critically. "I hate to think of you sitting in the library wondering about…well, about what Brian and I are talking about."

Dan shook his head ruefully. "Honey, do you honestly think that I’m not going to wonder about that no matter where I am?"

Honey shook her head regretfully. "No, but I hate feeling like I’m kicking you out of my apartment, and I hate thinking of you sitting in an impersonal library. I like to think of you hanging out on your couch, just chillin’ and not thinking."

Dan chuckled. "Chillin’?"

Honey giggled. "Yeah, chillin’."

"You’re cute," Dan said, as he reached out and tucked a strand of honey-colored hair behind his girlfriend’s ear. "Silly, but cute."

Honey stuck her tongue out at him, and the two were relieved that if things weren’t perfect right now, at least they weren’t strained and tense anymore. Breakfast had ended much better than it had begun.

~*~*~*~*~

After Dan had left for the library, Honey straightened her apartment. But, given her natural tidiness and the years spent at boarding schools and camps, there wasn’t much to straighten. At her mother’s insistence, Celia came to the apartment to give it a thorough cleaning once a month. The maid already came into the City to clean the Wheelers’ penthouse apartment, and it was no trouble to travel the two miles or so to clean Honey’s as well. Honey felt strange about this, but Celia and her mother kept reassuring her that it was no big deal.

This meant that now that Honey had so much nervous energy and no ability to concentrate on her homework, there was nothing for her to do to keep busy. Brian was not due to arrive for another hour. She tried to turn on the television to occupy her mind, but nothing appealed to her. Honey clicked off the television in frustration.

It was then that she remembered how she had passed the time the other night when she had had the same kind of nervous energy. So, once again, Honey fired up her laptop and word processing program and stared with satisfaction at the blank page in front of her. She would fill that page with her words, and the black text on the white page would make her feel at ease again.

Dear Diary, she wrote.

This worked the other night when I was feeling restless. I deleted everything I wrote that night. They say that the truth hurts, and it really did hurt to see what was lurking in the subconscious recesses of my mind laid out before me in black and white. How could I be thinking this way? How could I hurt someone that I love very much?

Well, that someone assures me that it is normal, and that he’s been expecting this for some time. I guess that makes sense. After all, Brian and I do have all of these unresolved feelings for each other, so of course they had to be dealt with at some point. And I guess that some point is today. Brian is coming over in a little bit. He doesn’t know it, but I’ve decided that we need to talk about this. We need to get that stupid elephant out of the room, you know? And we have to decide if what we feel is leftover kids’ stuff, or if it’s real. And if it’s real, then we need to decide how we’re going to deal with it.

I love Dan, I know I do. But there is that "What if?" lurking inside of me. I realize that now. And I can never move forward with Dan if that "What if?" continues to lurk. Dan is right about that. Actually, Dan is right about a lot of things. He really is a smart guy. Wise, you know? Of course, part of me is sad that he is so wise, because I know that it came with great cost. Losing your mom and dad at a young age and then having to live on the streets is not something that I would wish on anyone. Not even Dot Murray or Laura Ramsey! :)

Anyway, I’m getting off track, as I usually do.

I have to look into these unresolved feelings. The question is, how far do I take it? What if Brian and I do realize that we have feelings for each other? What do we do then? Do we break up with Dan and Lexi? Do we pursue it? I just don’t know what to do. But I also can not live my life wondering "What if?" It’s not fair to me, and it wouldn’t be fair to Dan, either.

Why does this have to happen? Why can’t Dan be my first love? I mean, in most ways, he really is my first love, but I know what I feel for Brian is love, too. I’m not sure it’s romantic love, but it is there. And I’ve known Brian since I was thirteen. Of course, I’ve known Dan since I was thirteen, too. But the thirteen I was when I met Brian was so much more…innocent than the thirteen that I was when I met Dan. It’s hard to explain, Diary, but so much happened that year that it seemed more like a decade than a year. I mean, when Trixie and I met, we felt as though we had known each other for months and months when it had only been a few days.

The time when I met Brian just felt like a more innocent age than the one in which I met Dan. I really can’t explain it better than that. Clear as mud, right?

But the point is, when I think back to the time I met Brian, I think of crystal blue skies and clear sunny days. I remember seeing him for the first time at the bottom of the hill on the property of Crabapple Farm, his dark hair blowing in the slight breeze, the early morning sun shining down on him. It’s a very romanticized memory. I met Dan on the school bus in the middle of winter, and Trixie and I were not very nice to him. Trixie said something tactless and thoughtless, and I was sure that he had heard her. It was all very embarrassing. Hardly a romantic moment.

I had just gone to Di’s Valentine’s Day party right before I met Dan. I had gone with Brian, and my head was all full of that. I felt very grown up. He didn’t send me an orchid like Jim sent to Trixie, but he made it clear that he and I were there together, and that I was someone very special to him. Maybe that was kid stuff, but maybe it wasn’t.

I know that I was awfully, awfully hurt when I first found out that he had met someone in college and started dating her. Jim had waited for Trixie, even though he was way off in Michigan. Why hadn’t Brian waited for me? That was when I started to doubt things. I mean, if I had meant so much to him and was someone "special," then I didn’t see how he could have feelings for someone else. Since he did, I figured that he must not have them for me.

But I realize now that that logic is very flawed. I mean, I most definitely love Dan and have feelings for him, but I also have feelings for Brian.

Why does this have to be so hard?

Honey stopped typing and stared at what she had written.

"Why does it have to be so hard?" she asked out loud.

The phone rang, startling Honey out of her reverie. Her eyes flew to her clock. It was a quarter to noon, so it was probably Brian, waiting to be signed in as a guest. Her residence was strict about visiting guests, and each one had to be signed in by a resident and show identification. It was indeed Brian, letting her know that he was only a few minutes away from her building. She quickly saved the document she had been working on and shut down her computer. No sense risking Brian seeing her confessional, she reasoned.

She threw on her battered moccasins, grabbed her keys from the hook on the wall next to the door, and hurried to the bank of elevators. Just before the elevator doors opened to release her onto the lobby level of her apartment building, Honey took a deep breath.

I can do this, she thought. When the elevator doors opened, she pasted a smile on her face and went to greet Brian.

~*~*~*~*~

How fun it is not to have to list carryover items here! *g*